My poly bf/gf and I saw eachother yesterday. It help make sense how I was feeling. I do this thing, when I am in a relationship i guess were I second guess everything they ever said to me, and tell myself I made it up. Not everything, but things I really want to hear. Like I love you, I miss you, I need you etc. I wanna be with you, I wanna live close to you, I want a baby with you. And when he leaves, I think, fuck I think I just made him say that. He doesnt love me, I am manipulating him to say these things because I want them to be true. But then I see him, and I see how he looks at me, when he knows or when he doesn't really notice, and I feel his love. I feel how much he loves me, and how he wants to support me and our relationship.
I think whats so strange to me is that I do feel like I date people who are in a transition period of their lives. And I think because I am a virgo and very practical, they tend to want to get their shit together lol. Also I think because I have a lot of mental and now physical health issues, and family trauma, they want to like "take care of me" which I think is cute. I also now realizing that, like obviously they would, I have no family I can rely on. I have done pretty much everything by myself, and I am in a lot of pain & I am crazy. Like I feel like if I loved someone who I saw struggling, I would want to make their lives easie.
Actually that makes more sense then me manipulating people in to loving me. I dont know why I think that. Honestly I think it all stems from my evil half sister. She used to say that I was manipulating her when I was crying to make her care about why I was upset. She fake raised me when my mom got sick, in the sense that she just like took advantage of us. But also neglected me and gave me a slew of trust and other issues.
I think. That is also why I feel like when someone I love wants the same things as me, and with me, I feel like I am being manipulative. We talked about kids again. I have baby fever. It is really annoying bc I am too broke to have a kid, but he would make a good parent. I think I would to tbh. I just have been seeing so many kids recently and I am like omg I want. We talked about it before, in a abstract non discript way. But last night I was like, venting like I want a kid, i keep seeing kids and they are so cute. And I asked him if he wants to have a kid with me. He said yes he would. He smiled. He said he wants to get his shit together but he would like to. I know him. I know when he says things like that, hes already thought it through. He said it in a tone, that made me know he really does want to. And he is getting serious about his sleep and health, something he wasnt really doin before me. His tone was very calm and certain. And I looked at him and said your really cute and kissed him. When he says something that he has been thinking of and is unsure how I am going to react, he says it more like a joke. But this time, he knew I wanted it, and he wants it too. He asked me how long will I want to have kids for, and I says like next 7 years. He said he wants to do it in 2 years because hes almost 40.
No promises, but its the commitment to a future I think really helped me. He had a really bad realtionship. like abusive in so many ways, and I think that sometimes when we say we want to be close to eachther and all that, I get worried that I am going to make him feel suffocated. Like his past relationship many years ago, was very controlling. Very demanding, and I think it still has some lingering effects. One time we had a miscommunication and he was really anxious. He thought I was really mad at him bc he didnt text me most of the day. but it was okay. I knew he was working on stuff so I just did other stuff. He was really worried, and then told me his ex would say horrible things if he forgot to text him back. I think since then I always want to be extra senstive around his autonomy. But I think it might get to a point where I disregard his autonomy in things he might actually want to do with me.
I am glad I asked to see him. I told him I was nervous, in a scared way, but I also knew I needed to see him because it would help me figure out why I was feeling insecure. I really love how gentle and kind he is. He doesnt pressure me to tell him why, but says hes always there whenever I am ready to talk about it. I really glad I got clarity here. I dont need any of the above to happen. I just needed to know that he feels the same. And hopefully I belive it when he says it.
Its not even that I have an issue with the poly of it all. I think theyre partner is prob really cool. They have been together for like 7 years. But I think its like, do you say this to all your poly girlfriends lol. I mean when we met he was ethically non monogomous. at least that was what was on his bio. But after IDK the second time hanging out I could feel like he really liked me. Like the way his eyes softened type shit when he looked at me. It was sweet. I asked him if he was enm or polly, and he didnt know. I said poly means you have other relationships. he said hes probably more like that. And a lot of our relationship, has defined his relationship style in a way. He has two relationships, me and his nesting partner. And like idk, its just annoying. It doesnt make sense to me. When he talked to his NP about us being in a relationship, he said they said shes his primary. that made me sad, and I brought it to him. And he started tearing up, I think because I was sad when I said it. But he couldn't really explain why he was crying. I wanted, and it became two non heiharchial relationships, seperate but equal. So cool.
Then he got sick for million days, and I feel weird. Part of me feels like hes over compensating / avoiding feelings by sexualizing and talking about my body. But also I think he was really horny lol. I think hes confused tbh about what he really wants. I brought up wanting to be a single mom, and he said he would do it with me. He just needs to make more money. I said okay you got a year. He said oh really, like your gonna stop after that. I said Idk bc after 35 its geriatric pregnancy. He said okay its motivaiton. Like what the fuck are you talking about bro. I mean, the single mom thing I brought up because I was rased by a single mom who was "non traditional". She was masculine and feminine and I am like that too. I identify as a girlie but I am very dominant in certian ways. I was talking about how when I was in my early twenties, I was really bloated and I told my mom I was pregnant. I wasnt seeing anyone , seriously, at the time. Just fucking around, and she was so excited. She wanted me to have a baby. She said she would help me raise it. I brought up not being in a relationship and she said she didnt care. She wasnt married when she had me. I told him this because I have wanted to be a single mom, but the economy makes it pretty much impossible. I think what confused me was, like if you wanna be a sperm doner, u dont need to be stable. But I guess it seems like he wants to be apart of this hypothetical child.
He doesnt know what the fuck he wants. I think thats where I am settling on lol. What do I want, always clarity of course. But also, its kinda funny to watch him struggle in ways. I guess I should be more, something. But like, I think I just needed to write it out. I was feeling insecure becasue I think I felt like I was projecting my wants on to him in a way. And I think because I was tyring to figure out what he was saying and the conflicting points of view in the conversations, I felt like maybe it was actually me. But after writing this out, I feel like both things are true. I mean both things are always true huh. Maybe its plans within plans. Plans change though. Ideas and concepts around relationships can evolve with you. I think I have felt fine about the poly because I feel very secure in our connection. I think some of the uncertanty is coming from, his mixed messages around commitment, freedom & future. And that he says were 2 people with a single soul. Because how do you just not want to be with that person if thats how you feel. Regardless if it was me or not. I dont think it is pretty common to feel that way about a person. So, wouldnt you want to maintain that as long as possible. IDK maybe im weird.
I am currently waiting for a download of kubunto. I have this Dell laptop that I dont use, and I thought it might be fun to experiment with. I have been wanting to create something like a cyberdeck, but I have never used a linux based OS. I am curious to see what that process might be like. I do miss HTML Coding. I used to run a myspace layout account in 2006. I used to make layouts and banners and a bunch of things. I never actually told anyone I knew in real life. I miss that. I dont like how social media is so connected to your irl person. I dont want to be connected that much. Its to emeshed. I alwasy liked this anonymity of being on Myspace and running a Layout account. No one knew who I was and I had other little online friends. I like this layout because it reminds me of something I would have made. Not that I was really that amazing. But I did have like 5k friends at one point. I dont know if that is a lot because I was also like 12. I feel like it was a time to be creative and silly and free in a way that maybe I take for granted. When everyone moved to facebook, I always disliked it, but I guess I still wanted to have friends. I had other outlets, other secret identites online I could tap into when I needed an escape, but then they too became all emeshed into the network. It is so hard to have outlets now a days. I dont know if I will really updated this, or if I just found this and I thought it was cool. Either way it seems like a safer space to express myself then my substak. My substak does have some silly posts. Maybe I can do that here to.